A-plus, A-cup parenting

Couldn't help but share a few weird things I heard at Victoria's Secret today, all in the few short minutes it took me to exchange some sexy pajamas for practical beige bras. (You're welcome, Anthony.):

From a fellow shopper:
"Do you know if we can try things on? I've never been to this store before."

What I wanted to say: "Are you from Earth?"
What I actually said: "Yes, probably everything but the underwear."

From the customer service gal:
"Would you like a free stuffed dog with your purchase?"

What I wanted to say: "Who the hell is your target market?"
What I actually said: "Roman, look at the cool prize you won!"

(He now loves this odd little dog.)

And, finally, from Roman, looking perplexed while I tried on bras:
"What is that? Is it to cover your nickels?!

That's right, sweet shopping parter...a girl's gotta keep her nickels under wraps.

Checkmate

Anthony's been waiting a long time for a chess partner; who knew it would be our four-year-old?!

Results forthcoming...

The Gift of Snark

Mark this one as another milestone day for Ben. And, nope, he still can't tie shoes or mow the lawn, but the kid can (drum roll please)...

Recognize sarcasm!

And thank goodness...we've been laying it on pretty thick since long before he was born.

So, there we were, driving home from the gym, when I commented aloud about sharing the road with a particularly super duper excellent driver.

After a pause, Ben asked, "Mom, are you being funny?"

Hallelujah, he gets it!

Maybe it was inevitable. Our friend Jeremiah predicted during my pregnancy, "that's going to be one sarcastic kid." But he also labeled Wichita "the town that humor forgot," so I started to worry that the gift of dry humor was locked up with the Scarecrow's brain and Tin Man's heart.

Thankfully, I've found and befriended a little pocket of good great-humored people, who aren't openly put-off by my sarcasm. Hopefully they realize I come from a long line of established smart asses, then I married one, so it's beyond my control.

But I can't tell you how many times my (hilarious!) comments to strangers, waitstaff, passersby, etc. have been met by....

Crickets...

Eye rolls...

Blank stares...

Offense.

So, either I change my tone or embrace my new audience: Ben and Roman. And the latter seems more fitting, especially considering Roman's latest, the eye roll, which he was nice enough to let me capture:

Just remind me, when they're 15 and 16, that I once loved their gift of snark.

Catching Our Breath

Roman asked just before bed: Can we go back to the hospital for one of those popsicles?

He's referring to the popsicle that, with a steroid chaser, cost a $100 co-pay and last night's rest. Poor guy was stricken with croup, so I took his barking little body to our friendly neighborhood ER, where he was finally able to catch his breath and watch Toy Story 2. And enjoy a midnight popsicle.

(Note the clock. We don't like to be anywhere but bed at zero-o'clock)

And so marks our official return to normal here in Wichita. We're all recovering, actually, and trying to catch our breath from an extended case of California vacation jetlag. We had the most lovely time, and all that beach, family, food and celebration made for a reluctant return. Indeed, I've mentally maintained Roman's ER posture (see above) for two full weeks. 

Thankfully, Ben jumped right back into school (he missed it, actually), there's a little snow on the ground (the first of the season) and, most importantly, Roman is better, after enjoying a sick day at home.

So here's to getting back into the Wichita swing of things (after a good night's rest, of course). And if homesickness strikes...

Ahhhh....deep breaths.

Who, me? Make a mistake?!

After keeping all of his monkeys for nearly a month, Ben lost one on Friday.

GASP!

See, in Mrs. Wiebe's Kindergarten class, behavior is monkey-based; each day Ben starts with three monkeys and, if he keeps all three, he colors in a green day on his calendar. If one monkey is taken for some sort of naughtiness, he has a yellow day. Two, orange; three, red. After that...well, I shudder to think.

So, his yellow day, after a month of green, had us talking about a topic I know well: making mistakes.

He asked if I made mistakes and, since I couldn't describe 1994-2003 within the four-minute ride home, I went with: "Well Ben, I broke a frame at the store today."

Roman offered his: Letting Reno eat his pb&j for the millionth time (my paraphrasing, of course).

Even Anthony offered his mistake over the phone: deleting an important file from his computer.

Anyway, all this talk about mistakes - and the fact that I can't stop making dumb ones lately - makes me think I ought to get a jumpstart on my...

Potential New Year's Resolutions List, 2012

1. I shall check pockets before washing clothes. I thought washing a crayon was the worst. Turns out, washing and drying a box of crayons is the worst.
2. I shall limit kid snacking, else Ben will have permanent digestive problems from the box of fig bars he ate while I was in the shower.
3. Speaking of the shower, I shan't take such hot ones that the steam sets off the fire alarm. Not just the smoke detector, folks, but the full-on, fire-department-dispatched house alarm.
4. I shall properly dress children for cold weather school days. Fleece pull-overs on 30-degree days make me look like the kind of mom who'd wash crayons and let kids overdo it on the figs.
5. I shall mail birthday cards on time (sorry, Kari, and happy belated birthday!).
6. I shall better remember people's names. Because Frederic at work did not like being called Franklin all these months.
7. And, finally...FitnessQuest 2012 shall finally come to fruition, since it actually started as FitnessQuest 2000. 

Which reminds me...I'd better get out for a run before today's lunchtime brie en croute ("brie en CUTE," Roman called it) settles as a permanent part of my lower half.

But before I go (#8: I shall not procrastinate...), how about a quick picture of my little monkeys in front of our neighbor's festive tree (#9: My camera shall be set to the proper exposure):

Thankful...

...for an especially lovely, long weekend in Denver with my in-laws and beloved girlfriends.

The boys savored it too; in fact, it was the first year they could thoughtfully answer the question, "What are you thankful for this year?" (Ben: "Roman." "Our house." Roman: "Toys." "The toilet.")

And, while I don't think anyone asked me what I'm thankful for this year (family, friends, health and Big House Red by the box), the weekend's festivities only added to my mental list.

So, in no particular order, I'm thankful...

...that Ben still believes the Pilgrims and Indians were pals (seriously, they still teach that!)...

...for my high-altitude Turkey Trotting partner...

...that I have a new, future sister-in-law...

...for vegetarianism (that was the turkey talking; you're welcome, turkey)...

...that Roman's face didn't actually melt off, despite appearances...

...for these handsome Scognamillo men (and further proof that group pictures are impossible)...

...for friends willing to drive a long way for a short visit...

...and that the holidays aren't over. What can I say? I'm a sap.

This blows.

I'm referring to this million-mile per hour Wichita wind, of course...and its assault on my 30-something-pound child.