There's No "I" in Micromanage

Okay, so there's one, which is the same number of seconds it took Ben to begin helicoptering over Roman's first-ever homework assignment.

The task: write his name with only the first letter capitalized (challenging!), then learn to write - first by tracing, then by freehand - what I thought was a series of capital "I"s. Half way through, Roman started adding top and bottom horizontal lines (are you with me? It was complicated stuff), which is when we learned two things:

1. What he was tracing was a series of lowercase "L"s.
2. There's both an "I" and "L" in remedial, which is the kind of handwriting lesson I plan to start myself on immediately.

Trophies

Look who earned a trophy! Officially in the role of "Most Improved," but unofficially for "Best Poolside Entertainment," Roman brought this home from last night's swim team award ceremony.

His improvements, a tremendous testimony to the coaching at Genesis Swim, include cutting his 25 meter freestyle time in half and backstroking in a somewhat straight line versus a circle.

And, thanks to his brother and dear friend Daniel, he also learned to impress his teammates with armpit fart noises.

Ah, my little trophy boys.

Regardless, we're so proud of them for their swim season; and as you can see, Roman hasn't let the trophy leave his side in the past 20 hours.

In other recent accomplishments, Ben finished baseball...

...and went from belly flop to dive.

Then he yanked out his first top tooth, but thankfully the Tooth Fairy is holding on to that particular trophy.

Summer Uniforms

This outfit actually makes sense if you've ever been to Wichita in the summertime:

 

And it's a good thing, because the swim trunk/rain boot combo has become Roman's default daywear.

Yep, we're dorks for summer and, by the looks of our hot weather uniforms, pretty dorky in summer as well.

Our other summer looks include the boys' hilarious swimteam jammers, built for speed in the pool, even if my kids are not. Also, pretty funny since they're baggy on the boys' twig legs: 

(Yes, speed is a work in progress. Sweet Roman, excited as he is, backstrokes in an incredibly slow - but perfect! - circle.)

Most nights, we have their charming T-ball and baseball uniforms, which appear to only come in XXL.

And Roman randomly dons goggles for no reason whatsoever, like Kenny Fisher in Can't Hardly Wait.

As for me, I'm usually blurring the lines between swimsuit cover-up and day wear (hey, add a necklace and it's evening wear!), or modeling what I'll call "T-ball chic." But most days, you'll find me in some version of this uniform, built for protection against further sun damage. Not great, though, for keeping an eye on the swimming kids.

Zebras & Dinos & Guinea Pigs...Oh My

I'm pretty sure that every good closet clean-out should include the following:

• Honest friends
• This question: "Did you used to be an elderly Hispanic woman?"
• This statement: "Yes, absolutely keep this for your next Partridge Family bus tour." 
• This game of hide-and-seek, in which I try on my dear friend's zebra pants (very chic for her clubbing days a dozen years ago) and camouflage myself on her husband's African rug/carcass:

And so begins our summer of ridiculousness and roaring laughter. And (some) extinct animals.

Just this week, we met the dinos at Exploration Place, which I highly recommend...

...had children transformed into ferocious puppies...

...and took on foster care of Flip Flop, Roman's pre-school Guinea Pig, who is (surprisingly) a total pleasure and will be with us for a chunk of the summer.

 

What's crazy is that Flip Flop is is doing the fostering...the boys have a mutual love for this over-sized furry potato, which has translated into sudden brotherly affection. It's also sparked a flurry of questions from Roman, including:

• "Can we cut his hair?" (No)
• "Is that poop on the floor?" (Yes)
• "Will you clip his nails?" (Maybe)
• "Does Flip Flop's penis mean he doesn't have a buh-china?" (That's vagina, and yes, we suspect he has the former.)

Click click

"Um...I don't think this thing takes pictures," Ben said. Well, right, honey...it's a calculator. 

 

See, in Mrs. Smith's 1st grade class, a week of (mostly) good behavior earns a trip to the class store; this week, Ben picked out and proudly brought home what he calls a key pad.

And, while he's now a little disappointed in its capabilities, someday he'll discover what 58,008 reads when you turn it upside down. And that silly calculator will be worth its weight in...well, BOOBS.

(Un)Happy Meals

We're home and Roman's back to his happy shenanigans after his weekend in the hospital. (Here, he makes quiet time a little less quiet.)

And while we never quite learned what caused Roman's...ahem...bowels to block, we did collect a few lessons during his stay:

1. "Poop" has endless synonyms and I'm tired of them all.
It was a TMI sort of weekend; Roman's intestines were the top topic, but I was privy to the digestive habits of every nurse, doctor, passer-by and all of their kids. If there's a euphemism for poop, both the noun and the verb, I've now heard it, and probably used it.

2. Spinning a kid in a wheelchair is short-term fun, followed by long-term barfing.

(I'll bet he really appreciated my 'round the clock picture taking. I was bored too, man!)

3. Hospitals should offer wine. Like I need an explanation. What, I'm supposed to watch MadMen empty handed?

4. We moms need to pack our own over-night wear. Yesterday, I asked Anthony to grab me something to wear to bed, just in case Roman and I ended up spending another night. Thank goodness for an early dismissal; otherwise I'd be impressing the residents in this turtle costume, a (sheer!) green cami and brown velour pants. My nightwear won't win any beauty contests, but I assure you, Anthony's never seen me in this combo.

5. Kids should either eat McDonald's every day or never-ever. 
My boys have it maybe once every six months. That's rarely enough, I've decided, that their bodies aren't used to it. It's Scognamillo poison. And in Roman's case, it's colonic concrete. I'm not blaming Roman's troubles entirely on his Friday in-a-pinch dinner, but I'm sure it didn't aid in his digestion. Look at this face...did I think it would end well?

For the record, I'll go with never-ever. That was one expensive, painful effing happy meal.

Seven

We suspected he'd be smart, we knew he'd be silly, but we really never considered that someday (today!) Ben would be seven.
 

But he woke up this morning and asked, "Do I look seven?"

Clearly I'm the wrong one to ask, for two reasons. First, Ben will always look like a baby to me. But also, I remember seven. I was naughty. I gossiped. I had crushes on the boys. (Hello, Jeff Knepp and Michael Jimenez. Damn, you were cute.)

But perhaps not all sevens look alike. At least, I'm hopeful. Case in point:

Yesterday, Ben was doing some sort of strut (a separate issue) to my car after school. As he runway-walked, his classmate Eugenie shouted, "Ben, you're sexy!"

He stopped cold. I gasped.

She said it again: "Ben, you're SEXY!" 

Then he said: "No Eugenie, I'm seven!"

Phew. I have more time.

Eat, Play, Run

It's St. Patrick's Day, so we're eating our greens...kind of.

By coincidence, our green celebration started a week ago when Roman's pre-school class marked Dr. Seuss' birthday by making (brace yourself, vegan friends/family) green eggs. (Although no ham, since it was a Friday during Lent.)  He came home with the recipe - eggs, a few drops of blue and a few drops of green - and whipped up a green breakfast for lunch. 

 

Today we attempted green waffles, but the results were, incredibly, even less appealing:

And while we're on the topic of green food, behold this recent selection at lunch lady duty:

 

On the menu, this was called "seasoned green beans." See that seasoning? It's ham. HAM. Yep, here in Wichita, pork is a seasoning. (Although presumably not on Lenten Fridays.)
 
But back to St. Patrick's day, where we're also playing with our greens. As in money. Ben smoked us in Monopoly last night, finishing a financial and real estate whiz. Pretty incredible, considering that this is how he and Roman play:

 

And, finally, we're running the green...er, Anthony is, anyway.

 

He raced this freezing morning and placed 6th overall with a 24:42 4-mile time. Pretty impressive from our spot at the festive finish line.

Crackers

"I spy with my little eye," Roman said at dinner, "something that starts with the letter M. And it's white."

Ben, without hesitation: "Is it MOM?"

Wow. Time to get some sunshine? Or change make-up shades?

Thankfully, today we accomplished #1. All the other white stuff has melted, and in the course of a week, we went from this:

...to this:

The melt did mean saying farewell to Crackers, the boys' first snowman (with an unintentionally cheeky name). I can't help but show him off one more time.

And, for those of you playing, the answer to Roman's "I Spy" was milk. Not pasty pale Mom, although that was a pretty inspired guess. 

Sugar

Epic bad scheduling on this Valentine's Day: I had an early date today with my obgyn.

But, with that behind me - yet surprisingly no flowers from Dr. S. for our annual rendezvous - time for us to to celebrate around here.

Ben, who must have been plowed with sweets at school, is currently sprinting through the house. With his shirt off. He's a drunk man in the fourth quarter of the Super Bowl...and, likewise, he should pass out at any moment.

(Look at that face - he's a sugar lunatic!)

Roman, after accompanying me to the doc (but staying above-wing and out of sight, naturally), is soaking off the stress in a cozy bubble bath. Cliche' if it was me; cute, because it's him.

Reno, meanwhile, is consumed with this peanut butter-filled frozen Kong, pretty much the diamond earrings of the dog world.

And I don't require much. I hope Anthony's on his way home and not among the men at Walgreens frantically picking through Valentine's Day card rejects, which I'll totally sniff out if it's (1) in Spanish, (2) religious or (3) nine dollars.

All I want? A replay of this scene, a little porn for my mom friends. Husband in the kitchen, emptying the dishwasher, unprompted. 

Happy Valentine's Day, Sugars.

Five-Year Plan

"When can I walk to school by myself?" Ben asked today.

But first, he buttered me up with this snazzy artwork, made for Catholic (Cathlec, he writes) School Week's "Parent Appreciation Day."

Art aside, I couldn't even respond to the poor kid's question because (1) I was already choking up and (2) "over my cold, dead body" might scare a six-year-old. Or give him ideas.

And it's not because we're too far, or that it's a bad neighborhood.  We're a half-mile away through middle-class, tree-lined blocks. The problem is, I'd be exhausted from bolting from tree to tree, hiding and spying all the way, every day. 

Eventually I did answer him, pulling the response from my usual resource: thin air. "When you're in sixth grade and Brother's in fourth, you can walk to school together." Gulp.

That gives us five years to move in with the family next door to Blessed Sacrament. I hope they're nice Cathlec people.

Grazie, Prego, Scusi

It's thank you, you're welcome and excuse me in Italian. 

It also pretty well describes our feelings about 2012 (mostly the grazie, but also the scusi).

And, finally, it's a great little song by Dean Martin that will make more sense if you have a few minutes to watch this video that Antony created as a fun memento to 2012. 

Here's to happy, loving weeks ahead and a million loose-screw moments in 2013. 

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mcNiSriyPOo&feature=youtu.be

 

We're Super Cultured, Obviously

Ben, after school last week: "Today we went to a, um...a few...nuh.. A funera...."

Me: "A funeral?!"

Ben: "Uh, yeah...?"

Me: "Did someone die?!" Good lord, what were they teaching him?!

Ben: "No, no one died. There were three bears and a wolf, and singers..."

Me, after a text to an always-helpful fellow 1st grade mom: "Ben, do you mean a theater? Like theee-uh-tuh? Or maybe...was it a rehearsal?"

REHEARSAL! Yes, as my keen investigative techniques uncovered (thanks Law & Order!), the Wichita Children's Theater held an assembly, The Three Little Pigs, with singing, acting...the whole cultural shebang.

Or, for Ben to tell it: a funeral.

Meanwhile, Roman and I enjoyed our own cultural experience at Exploration Place, playing retro video games. EP's traveling exhibit is Videotopia, a look back at early video games, so it's basically a free arcade minus the creepy people. And while I don't want to mislead my kids about museums, any that offers Ms. Pac Man and Pole Position is okay with me.

Then we saw what Rome could build in a day (30 minutes, really) with this leaning tower of blocks.

I have to hand it to you, Wichita. Our definitions of culture align nicely, even if your children's plays resemble funerals.

Losing it

And, just like that, Ben's too old for baby teeth. Well, one anyway.

We've had The Tooth Fairy on high alert (this thing has been loose so long that its replacement already half-arrived) so she (he?) should be flying by with a $2 bill this evening. And maybe Fairy will leave a little something for me, since I'm turning 36 tomorrow.

Which has me thinking of the things I'm too old for.

You know, things like energy drinks. And body glitter. Camping in tents. Party buses. Salt after 7 p.m. Booty shorts. The phrase "amazeballs." And Glamour Magazine. It's been a good run, Glamour, but if I haven't yet tried that "New Sex Trick He'll Love!" what are the odds I'll do so now?

Slim.

What I will do is list things that keep me young: you know, the kids. Anthony. Exercise. Friends. Old sex tricks. Laughing. And going to bed at 9 p.m

Speaking of, it's nearly time to hit the sack...but first, I'll just double check Fairy's work.

There's No Place Like...

...wherever your friends are.

Big news in Oz. Some life-long California friends are headed our way, set to move here mid-December.

That's right, just in time for a gool ol' Wichita winter wind bitch slap. But let's keep that quiet. Also, don't mention the allergies. Or the heat. Or the fact that all recipes begin, "take a block of cream cheese and..."

The friends: Shana, John and their girls. Last time Shana and I lived near each other, we were spiral-permed, over-tanned, and caterpillar-eyebrowed. (See below, circa 1994.)

Oh wait...that was just me. Shana was (and is) lovely. And authentic, loyal and hilarious.

They love the Midwest (an actual quote), and can't wait to get here. Likewise, Sanders Family, we can't wait to have you. You'll fit in perfectly with the crowd of wonderful Wichita goofballs we've befriended.

Shana, pencil us in to recreate the above scene...only minus brows. And minus tans. Plus fabric. And plus kids.

Ham Land

Am. At. Ham. Land.

Nope, that's not a postcard from Wichita. Or my latest cry for help. As coincidence would have it, those were the first four words on Benny's spelling test.

Wait, I think it was a coincidence. Maybe they're trying to acclimate my child to a place in which everything is bacon-wrapped. Even the bacon. Then battered and fried.

Anyway, it was his first ever, and...drumroll, please...

...my chip off the English block scored 100%.

...And Fast

"I've got it, Mom." Roman said at drop off, proving that he's as diplomatic as he is independent.

And fast. Man, how is Baby Roman almost 5?! And when do I stop calling him that?

So, I stopped helicoptering and left him with the charming Mrs. Saunders on day 1 of pre-K, after this one last picture.

 
Yep, lots of changes this week, especially versus last year.

There are the basics - rooms, procedures, new things for me to forget, etc. - but the experience is just...different. The start of the day is a perfect example; Roman's bull-by-the-horns approach isn't that surprising; what is surprising is Ben's new-found cling.

Last year, he barely let the car slow before he bolted out and raced alone to his classroom. And I'm sure we'll get back there, but so far he's pretty apprehensive. For him to tell it: "Mom, why do I have to go to first grade? I was so good at Kindergarten..."

I also think, now that he knows how to tell time, he's pretty bothered that he'll be there for seven whole hours.

And who can blame him? I haven't committed to something for seven straight hours since... ummm... well... whenever it was, I'll bet it made me grumpy.

Still, here he is, happily clinging to his happy mother. I mean, who am I to complain that he doesn't want to leave my side? That'll come too soon anyway.

A midday difference: lunch lady duty is more frequent...and more serious. On day 1, I had the unsavory job of marching a crying second grader to the principal's office. Dreadful all around (it was very "Green Mile"), but I guess that's what you get for a Catholic cafeteria F bomb. 

Another difference, this one at the end of each day: man, they're fast. Last year, they still had training wheels on their bikes, so they'd ride home as I walked. Now I have to literally sprint to keep up with them. And, no I still can't keep up. Here's my usual view as I do the P.E. teacher powerwalk to catch up.

But, some things never change. The boys miss each other during the day, then drive each other bananas at night.

Anthony still dresses like he too wears a school uniform...

...and I still look like garbage when I drop off the kids.

Sheesh, no wonder Roman wanted me out of the room...and fast.